Embry-Riddle to Close its Doors

After nearly 94 years in operation, the world’s most elite Aviation school will be closing its doors. We sat down with the current President, Dr. Butler, who stated:

“Look, we’re churning out the Milli Vanilli of the aviation community these days. When we started this operation back in the heyday of aviation, we were the best of the best, creating the greatest pilots the world’s ever seen. Now, every pilot that leaves here is the watered down Vanilla Ice version of what pilots used to be.

In the 50s and 60s, our pilots were OG, streetwise, and sharp. They were the real deal. When I first took over, I sat down with this pilot we had newly minted and he was like the Bono of aviation. He even had the sunglasses. So much passion and, ironically, went on to fly a U2.

I sat down with one of our newest graduates last week, Tobias. He’s basically the Hanson of commercial aviators. Seriously, it was as if all three of those Hanson kids made a baby and it just um-bopped its way through our school somehow. He just sat there staring at me; he smelled like powered sugar. Sadly, we’ve become the Mecca for distributing culture club piece of shit pilots into the world.

We had a reputation back in the day. A reputation for putting a Kenny G in the cockpit of every commercial airliner. Now, anytime I fly commercial I can tell who our grads are when it looks like Nelson is in the cockpit.”

We had to cut our interview with Dr. Butler short because all of the 80s music references were confusing us and it just wasn’t making much sense.

We did get to meet the final graduate from the Academy. He was a young man by the name of Kenny Tan. We can tell he is going to go on to do great things in aviation.

Nelson, an American rock band founded by singer/songwriters Matthew and Gunnar Nelson.