Government Shutdown Elaborate Ploy for Privatized ATC

Small, unnamed tower in the mid-western United States

Washington, D.C. – Suspicions were confirmed Monday that the government shutdown was all an elaborate ploy to privatize Air Traffic Control (ATC).

“Most people think it’s about a wall – and I guess now it is,” said an anonymous White House source. “But the President is very passionate about privatizing ATC and that’s why this whole shutdown thing actually started.”

While TSA agents are calling in sick left and right, air traffic controllers continue working diligently without pay in order keep the skies safe.

According to our source, the absolute badassery of Air Traffic Controllers should never have been underestimated.

“We really didn’t expect them to keep showing up to work and figured everyone would be begging us to privatize due to chaos at the airports,” our source said. “But these controllers are, like, f**king superheroes or something. They just keep coming back and, between us, I want to high five every one of them.”

We agree, and encourage every pilot, every passenger, and every person who values not having planes collide midair – effectively turning their neighborhoods and towns into fiery infernos – to give them all a big thanks.

ATC – we at Aviation Daily News raise our frothy glass to you! Cheers.

**Correction: Our source called to clarify that he/she actually works for Waffle House, not the White House. We apologize for any confusion.**